Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
It was confusing and full of hummus
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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