i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
Randomize
