I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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