Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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