i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize