areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
last night i fell off a barstool and busted my nose. i can regretfully say that i didn't see cherub last night.
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Randomize
