Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
Randomize
