Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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