im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
