you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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