if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
