: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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