this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
You misunderstood me....i wasnt asking and it is not negotiable
You're making this sound more like a hostage situation than a booty call.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
