drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
soo...what's the appropriate way to ask to come over and take your S&M lingerie out of your ex's apartment? big weekend planned, kinda need it.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
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