Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Randomize
