I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
please tell me you're in jail and for some reason they have wifi
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize