plan parent hood is for high school, im at the abortion clinic, so college.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
