if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
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