Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
Randomize
