haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
