I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
