i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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