So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
