The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
