Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
