I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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