Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
True strength comes from lack of pants
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
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