Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
Randomize
