College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
I remember us getting kicked out of the bar, but neither of us know why. We woke up next to chicken bones on a plate with spoons, and my car has mud all over it including places where feet shouldn't be, like the speakers on the car door.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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