her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
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