I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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