At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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