I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
