It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
