I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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