Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
I have a surprise for you
Is it drugs? I want drugs. Or a puppy!
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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