he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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