We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Randomize
