My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
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