i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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