If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
Then I opened the closet and then i found the babies
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
