I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
the condom got lost in my hair
I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
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