My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
