if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
