on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
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