You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
