hey its robert, we just made out in the backyeard. i'm inside now and you should come to the bathroom and meet me.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
My boyfriend cheated on me...what do I do?! :( JK IM BREAKIN UP WIT DAT
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
