On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
You kept licking my face. You said you were making sure I was real.
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
