you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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