they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
so we had a 20 minute conversation and created the fb page WWND (what would Nana do?) last night after we took our Ambien...that is my definition of an overachiever
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Randomize
