I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
