My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
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