Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Can I color on your dick again?
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
