There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
Randomize
