So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Randomize
