We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
my mouth tastes like poor choices
never play flip cup with pint glasses
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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