Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
I supernannyed him into submission
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
I think I just sharted jello shots
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