My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
You just kept yelling at the cabby "I own this cab" and insisted on smoking with all the windows up
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
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