my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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